How to Help Stress Less; Listen from the Heart -

In todays’ demanding society, stress comes at us from all sorts of angles. There are times when we get overwhelmed with stress. And there are times when someone we love goes through something stressful. How can we help support them?

When we feel supported, we feel less stress. But sometimes we think we are being supportive of a friend, family member, or romantic partner and we’re not. Who hasn’t experienced the self-satisfaction of feeling like we’re ‘helping’ only to find we’ve only made the situation worse.

Did you know that learning how to be a supportive person has the power to reduce the levels of cortisol. By taking specific actions you can help calm tension and reduce stress. Supportive communication can alleviate distress and improve a partner’s emotional state.

Supportive Communication

Features of supportive communication that have been shown to reduce stress include:

Acknowledging Feelings

The first and perhaps most critical step you can take to be a supportive friend or partner is to acknowledge the person’s feelings. Recognize that they are under stress and experiencing a problem. We are generally most willing to give high quality comforting when we can interpret the stress at the same level as the person needing support. Even if, and maybe especially when, you don’t think the other person should be stressed, he or she still needs support. If your partner is feeling stressed, telling him or her ‘don’t worry about it’ or trying to distract the person from the stress by changing the subject is generally not going to help. Instead, stop to acknowledge their feelings.

Active Listening in Communication

When your friend or partner is sharing with you, be sure to use active listening. Using verbal and nonverbal forms of communication, such as listening and asking questions, making eye contact, nodding and touching, can cause cortisol levels go down. It reaffirms that you care about them and their problem. Additionally, they are able to reappraise the problem and think about it more clearly, further helping to alleviate stress.

How Listening Helps

Listening and understanding is support validation and turns off strong emotional responses by legitimizing feelings. We often feel the need to say the right thing or fix the problem, but most often when people are stressed they want emotional support, which mainly consists of listening intently and asking questions. Unless someone specifically asks for advice, do not offer it. Once you validate their feelings, people may ask for advice, but they have to be ready to hear it.

Be Flexible

Adjusting your approach as needed. It’s possible that as a support provider you may think you are providing good support. But good support isn’t good unless the person receiving the support perceives it as helpful.

Stress creates a frame through which messages are interpreted. Support that is clear and explicit in validating feelings and showing interest and concern is most likely to lower cortisol levels and increase feelings of well being and safety. If you aren’t seeing improvement in your partner’s anxiety, you may need to change your approach. Sometimes it’s not about you and what you can do to support your partner. Sometimes they need outside help.

Signs Someone Needs Mental Help

Sometimes stress becomes overwhelming and, while a supportive friend or partner is still beneficial, it may be time to seek mental health help. It can be difficult to know when stress has reached a place where counseling or therapy is the best option. Here are a few signs that it a mental health professional may help relieve stress and guide you through a difficult time.

Prolonged sadness or anxiety – if your loved one is experiencing negative emotions that last for a long time, this is a sign that they need help
Big mood swings – similarly, if their emotions are all over the place, especially if those emotions are making daily life difficult for them, they should consider counseling or therapy
Changes in sleep – sleeping too much or struggling to sleep are both signs that it may be time to get help
Relational issues – if stress is impacting your loved one’s relationships, they may benefit from seeing a mental health professional
Unexplained health issues – chronic pain or constantly getting sick can be a sign that someone’s body is dealing with too much stress and is calling out for help

You may want to be all that your loved one needs, but it’s not a failure to admit that it’s time to get outside help.

How to Tell Someone They Need Help

When you see a loved one going through a difficult time, an important way you can be supportive is by encouraging them to get mental health help through counseling or therapy. Approaching this topic can be difficult because of ongoing stigma around mental health issues. Here are a few pieces of advice for having a conversation with them.

Learn – spend some time educating yourself about mental health issues and resources.
Choose an appropriate time and place – this is a sensitive topic, so look for a time where both of you are undistracted and a place where you cannot be overheard
Communicate their positive attributes – telling your loved one their strengths and admirable qualities, even ones that are less apparent during this time, can help support them and give them a sense of your care and support
Share your concerns – Be sure to gently and empathetically express specific things you are noticing that cause you concern. Follow this with reminders of your care and support, as well.

As a close friend or partner goes through a difficult time, there are many things you can do to help support them and lower their stress. When the time comes, you also may need to help encourage them as they look for mental health support.